Black Earth
by Nightmare's.Twilight
Summary: Locked away ever since she was young and saved by the person who was supposed to keep her there forever, released from her prison she begins to discover the meanings behind her cage and a threat that could tear away everything shes gained.
1. Chapter 1

**Black Earth**

_Chapter 1_

**Naming the place where I stand**

I don't think I'm an interesting person. I have no emotions or personality. I have no memories. I guess you could call the patterns that happen each day a long memory that hasn't ended yet. The sun rises, the sun disappears, the moon comes, the moon disappears. People have come here, too. But only one at a time and at specific times in the day. They bring food and slide it through a slot under the window. They have no faces. Where their faces should be is blurred. They don't talk to me. I don't talk to them. I think I tried talking to one of them. A long time ago or maybe it was just a few days ago. I asked them if they were happy outside my window. I wanted to know if they had emotions. If happiness is real. If they were real. Or maybe it's me who isn't real. Maybe it's just a dream that I can't wake up from. Or I'm someone else's dream. But it doesn't really feel like a dream because nothing changes and no one wakes up. I asked him what was real, too. I think he was angry. His face became contorted as if he had seen something terrible and he turned away. Before he left he did give me an answer. He said that the most real things are hidden right in front of us but we may never see them.

I stopped talking to them after that. I don't know if my voice even exists anymore. I stare through my window everyday. I like the way the sun and moon shine. The sun is so strong and bright while the moon is soft. The streams of light are beautiful, too. They shine shapes and colors on my floor. But they never seem to reach me. I always seem to be in darkness. It seems kind of cruel to always be in here. Or maybe it's crueler to be out there. Is nothing better than something? I don't think I'll ever know because there's no way out of here.

I remember another person. I think he was supposed to bring me food, but he never did. He came at the same time all the others came at. I think he hated me. I don't know why. I had never seen him before. Did I do something bad? Or was I just born to be like this? Born to be hated. Born to live in darkness. He seemed to think so. He called me names. I don't remember them but I remember how they hurt. Like invisible knives. He came everyday and said the same things over and over and over. It hurt so much. But I couldn't do anything. All I did was sit there. I wanted to cry, but if I did he would just get madder. I locked it all away. I let the pain drip inside me. It spread through my entire body like a virus and stayed there. At one time I was glad that my window was there to separate us. But then he came again and during that time I kept thinking 'No. no, this is worse. I'd rather he hit me than do this. Why doesn't he do it already? Someone please, make it stop!' Eventually he left. He was gone. I never saw him again. Before he left he told me something. It was different from what he usually said. Devoid of threats, accusations, and insults, but it hurt more than anything. He said, "You deserve this."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**Naming a broken world**

It never occurred to me that things could be different. That things could change. I never thought that someone would save me. I never considered it. Even then, when things weren't so dark and terrible, I never thought about it. I never imagined it. I never thought that someone would save me or even care about me. I never thought it could happen. I never thought someone could love me.

I've never known hope. There's only ever been one possibility. The only path before me is made of darkness. A path of solitude. A path that never changes and never fades. Where everything is broken, even the path itself.

There was one time, long ago, when I met someone like me. I shouldn't compare myself to him. I don't know his sadness. But I felt connected to him in more ways than one. It felt like we both had the same feelings, the same darkness. It felt like we traveled the same path, even though we had never met before and would never meet again.

I remember him so clearly. He was young-maybe even my age-; he had dark hair and dark eyes with moonlit skin. And he was beautiful. A dark beauty, I guess you could call it. It's strange, but for some reason his face is the only thing I remember seeing. The moon, the sky, the walls, even the window between us, they all disappeared. The only thing there was was a cold, black darkness. He spoke to me as if he were talking to his personal prisoner. He said, "You must think it's so cruel in there, but the whole world is a cruel, dark place. Hope, possibility, happiness, love are all swallowed by the darkness. They don't exist anymore. There's only darkness now. And it'll be there until the day you die. Even if there was an escape, that darkness will never leave. Never. So, don't get any ideas or think 'I'll be saved someday.'"

It was sad. Sad like silent darkness. Its cruel tendrils crawling up your skin and bringing back regrets and memories. But the saddest thing was that he didn't seem to be talking to just me. He was talking to part of himself, too. He was telling himself that there was no hope for him. He's been telling it to himself over and over. Beneath that dark, cruel shell, he was trapped in his own darkness. He had relived that sadness each time he said those words and each time a part of him disappeared until only broken pieces were left. I could see it in his eyes.

He was like me and yet he could have been from a completely different world. We both lived in darkness. We both wanted to believe, deep down, that there was hope for us. But we both knew, we would always be there. We both knew that we would always stay on that broken path.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

**Naming a hope**

I think it was a dream. But it seemed so real. The way he talked, the things he said, the way he smiled, they all seemed so real. Was it really a dream? Could there really be someone like that? Someone who would accept me and talk to me as if I were a true human being. Someone like that couldn't really be real, could they?

He seemed normal. He blended in with all the rest, but he talked to me about so much. And he smiled at me. He didn't run away or insult me. He didn't even twitch. He spoke of normal things and a normal life. He talked about his friends and siblings and jobs. There were many things I didn't understand, but I listened to everything.

The things he spoke of were so different and intriguing. At last, I knew a little bit of what happened in the outside world. I could feel little sparks of envy in the back of my mind, but the way he laughed and smiled buried them in an instant. It made me feel so warm.

He spoke of many things and stayed till dusk. He said goodbye and just like that he was gone as fast as he came. It feels like so long ago, but it was only yesterday. I can't believe I had such a wonderful dream. I've never had a dream like that before. It really was a dream, wasn't it? That's the only thing it could've been. I mean it's not like something like that could really happen, right?

There's no reason for something like me, so covered in darkness to meet someone like that. There's no reason for a person like me, a hideously scarred and tainted person to ever even feel something so pure and light. The only way I could ever see someone so pure is in a dream. And that's what it was. Just a dream. A truly wonderful dream…

I probably wouldn't have that dream again. I rarely have recurring dreams or nice ones. So, it'll never happen again, right? I'll never feel like that again.

But he came. The next morning he came again and talked in the same way. It was wonderful. I couldn't help but try smiling for the first time. And after so long I spoke. After all it is my dream, so I can do whatever I want, right? I said, "What a wonderful dream!" He laughed and said to me, "This isn't a dream."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

**Naming the unknown**

Nothing. I couldn't think, but at the same time my thoughts were racing. How could it be? Was this possible? Is it real? What should I say? What should I think? He continued speaking while I sat there stunned. "I didn't know you could speak after the last two days." Two days? Was it really that long? "But this isn't a dream. This is real." I didn't say anything. "It doesn't matter if you believe me, I'm just glad I could make you happy, even just a little bit." Why? I don't know you. Why are you even talking to me? Why are you being so nice? Why aren't you like the last ones? I did something bad didn't I? I do deserve this…right?

He kept talking. I couldn't make out what he was saying. I could only catch a few words, but I think he was talking about his day and his friends. It sounded so nice though. It was so calming and even though I had these swirling questions inside me, I soon lost myself in his words. I just couldn't think about anything else when he spoke.

"I'm sorry," he whispered," I can't do anything else right now. I want to help you, but I don't even know if it's right." Right? Is it "right"? Is anything "right"? What do I know? Why ask me? I know nothing of your world and little of my own. But I think if you asked anyone else they would say it isn't right. They would say anything having to do with something like me isn't right. But… is it really true?

"I have to go now, okay? I'll be back though. I promise." He stood up. "I forgot yesterday so, I'll tell you today. My name is Kyte Merchant. Do you have a name? I mean since I don't want to just say 'hey, you' or 'hi, demon' which is what the other workers say, and now that I think about it I shouldn't have told you that." He looked down, apologetically, "Ah, anyway could I please have your name?" I just stared at him blankly. I don't remember anything about names. It was always just 'them' or 'him' or 'me', never anything else. I didn't know they each got different titles or words for themselves. I didn't know I could be anything other than 'it', 'monster', or 'demon'. Was it possible that once, long ago, I could have been called something different? Something sweeter? Is it possible that I could have lived somewhere else? That I could have lived in a warm, happy place? That I could have had a family? Is it possible that I could still be like that?

"You don't have a name?" He blinked, "I knew they were cruel to you, but I didn't know they were that cruel! Tell you what I'll give you a name! How does that sound?" My eyes widened and I could feel the blood rushing to my face. Was he really going to name me? A real name! A name! I was so happy. I felt like flying!

"Let's see… I want to name you something beautiful, but at the same time fits you completely. Flowers are beautiful. I could name you…Geranium…no…verbena…nah…rose…I don't think so." He sat back down on the ground and scratched his head, "Something that fits you perfectly. Well, you're elegant and sometimes you just seem like you're…not there. It's weird but that's the only way I can describe it. Oh, I know! I know what it is!" Is it true? "It's from this dream I had when I was a little kid. I could never remember what the dream was, but when I woke up I felt so relieved for some reason and I kept whispering something. I didn't really know what I was saying, but…" Does he really mean all those things? "I'm going to name you that." Will he really be back? "I will call you…" Is this real? "…Noah." Am I real…?


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

**Naming the Forbidden**

The first time you came, I thought it wasn't real. The second time, I felt sure it was a dream. The third time, you gave me a name. Even though I had never had one and no one else knew about it, I was truly happy. It's been fourteen days since then. You came everyday and stayed till dusk. But that night was different. That night was darker. You didn't notice the darkness that remained inside me after that night, and I'm glad you didn't. For if you had noticed, you wouldn't have come back.

It seemed like all the other nights, but once I fell asleep everything changed. It started out with just me and the darkness that could be called the sky there. There was no sound and there was no light. It seemed as though the darkness itself had been faintly glowing. It was not the moon because the moon was an eternal black that sucked out all the light and reflected nothing. Then the stone ruins appeared beneath me. They seemed old and eroded, but once I looked at it longer I realized that they were covered in red blood and recently broken. The ruins grew, spreading out in a circle beneath me. Towering above the beaten ground that began to appear, I watched as burnt trees and debris began to appear. Everything was either broken or destroyed. Everything. There were no exceptions. But the broken pieces and burnt earth were not the worst things. As I watched, the circle of unknown light revealed the many torn, bloodied corpses.

Everyone was slaughtered. Nothing in this world was alive, not one thing. There was something weird about that place. It felt strangely familiar, but I had never been here. Had I? I stared at the mangled corpses. They were everywhere and everyone. Children missing heads, women slashed, men lying in pools of blood. It was utter hell! I felt like vomiting and running at the same time, but I was completely paralyzed. Fear flooded my mind and I wanted to cry out for help, but to whom? I was alone in this cruel place. And then I saw him.

He was floating in a dark lake. Red-colored water swirling around him. Parts of him rose above the water and others weren't visible in the dark water. He was not as torn and mangled as the others, but his eyes seemed more empty and unseeing than any other corpse on the barren plain. Dead. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. The only thing that responded to the explosion of fear and horror flooding my entire being was my mouth opened in a blood-curdling scream. But there was only silence. Nothing echoed through the nightmare world. Nothing changed. Nothing moved. I couldn't think. I couldn't scream. I couldn't do anything. There was only me and Kyte's corpse under the eternal the black moon.

Waking up was the hardest. It didn't seem like I had left the blood-covered ruins at all. I just stared up at the black ceiling, my mind a fear-filled blank. Eventually, I realized that it was I dream. But the realization didn't come as a relief. It came with the fear that the dream would come true. That someday it really would be Kyte lying there in that red lake, dead. And I felt that I would be the one responsible for it. No, I knew. One day, Kyte would be dead. And it would be my entire fault. I was out of place. I was meant to stay in darkness and nothing else. There was never any hope for me. No hope, no future, no happy ending. Why should someone as tainted as me ever feel any pure light or warmth?


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

**Naming the return**

It stayed there. That fear. That darkness. It was always there, lingering at the edges of my mind. I knew I had to stop it. I had to. No matter what. No matter what…

I stopped talking again. I went back to how I was. When he came, I always looked down at the ground. I didn't speak, I didn't acknowledge him at all, but I still listened. I always listened. He was still so nice and comforting; no matter how much I tried to distance myself. It hurt so much. I was pushing him away and he still tried so hard to be nice. Did he not know or was he trying to hide how much it hurt him, too? I wanted to look up at him, let him know I really cared, but I could not let that nightmare come true. And I was sure if I looked at him I would see his dead self again and cry. I had to do this. No matter how much it hurt both of us, I'm sure he'll move on. He'll move on and live a good life. I'll disappear from his memories. I won't exist again. That's how it's supposed to be. That's what's best. Isn't it?

Eventually, he realized something was wrong. He started to ask me things instead of talking about his life. "Noah, are you sick?" No. "Noah, aren't you going to eat?" No. "Noah, why won't you talk anymore?" I can't. "Noah, are you hurt?" Yes. He asked again and again, and again I tried hard not to speak.

It hurt so much. It hurt more than the insults. The pain pierced my heart and stayed there, bringing pain every time the minute hand moved. It would last and last and last. Sleep brought no deprivation. Nothing did. It would stay there eternally in my already wounded heart.

"Noah…" Kyte spoke less and less, but he stayed there, hoping I would answer him someday. Being there hurt us both. The days seemed darker than the nights. The minutes seemed like hours. The shadows grew longer and swallowed us. The sun seemed dimmer than the moon. We were statues in time. Unmoving, and unchanged by the erosion of the days. Until one vanished at dusk.

He will be okay. He will live. He will forget everything. Everything that has happened. Everything that was said. The most important things to me. The most precious memories in my mind. He will never remember. But I will. I will always remember. The way the sun shined on your face. How the stars and trees seemed to dance around you. The way you spoke. What you said. The pain. The joy. I will remember them. Even if you don't, even if they were just a few moments to you, they mean the world to me. Even if no one else knows, I will always remember. Always. And that's all I need.

Dawn came and with it Kyte. His outline was shadowed by the rosy hues on the horizon. Another day of silence had come. The final day. The next, he would be gone. Far away from here. Safe.

Before he left, he asked one last thing. The question echoed in my mind. I did not answer him. I couldn't. But I did look at him. One final farewell. I could not restrain myself from doing it. I did not know if he could read the answer in my eyes or see my chaotic emotions. I felt I could burst right then and there. That I could let out everything I had locked away and tell him everything. I wanted to, more than anything else; say I was sorry and that I really did care. I wanted to scream it to the sky. I wanted to let all those hidden tears roll down my cheeks and drop to the placid earth. But it never happened.

Regret welled up inside me, adding to the tumultuous feelings. The memory echoed around. His voice. His question. My unheard answer.

"What's wrong, Noah?" Everything.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

**Naming the lost**

I couldn't exist anymore. I couldn't do anything. New faces appeared everyday, blurred and unfeeling. The pain didn't matter anymore. My entire body was numb. My mind was numb. My heart was frozen. I couldn't think anymore, and even when I did the thought quickly disappeared. The darkness never left. The pain came in waves and lapses. The memories in whispers and moans. It hurt so much, but I was glad. I was glad he was safe.

The new people did what they were here to do, bring food. At least, that's how it was at first. I didn't eat what they brought. I didn't sleep very well. I felt weaker and weaker. My bones felt as if they were made of glass, and my head throbbed. I felt hot and cold at the same time. But I did nothing to stop it. I guess my appearance changed, too since they started to stay longer to stare at me. They looked worried and concerned, whether for me or themselves I do not know. They obviously wanted to keep me alive since they brought me food. If they had really wanted to kill me they would have done it a long time ago. But why keep someone like me alive anyway? Was I to serve some hidden purpose? Was I here to suffer? Why me?

Enough. It doesn't matter anymore. The reasons, the people, me. Nothing matters anymore. Not anymore…

Nothing. Darkness. But I was there. I was here. I must've been sleeping somehow, somewhere. This place was more peaceful than the other places. Everything felt numb. Everything was cold. It felt so real. Was this really another dream?

"I've been concerned for a while, sir. I'm positive there's something wrong with her. She hasn't eaten for days and I don't think she's sleeping either." Voices. Are they part of the dream, too? They sound like they're coming from outside, though. So, where am I? "How troublesome. She probably just has a cold or something. Just slip some medicine into her food and she'll be fine." "But that's what I said before, sir. She won't eat!" "Really? How strange. I guess we should keep her here, but I have better things to do than baby sit some demon brat. You keep watch. I'm leaving. This is pointless." "Ah! But sir what if she wakes up?" "Just give her some anesthesia, then." "Uh..okay, sir." Footsteps echoed, tracing lines in my mind as they echoed away with my thoughts soon leaving nothing behind.

My mind whispers questions that make no sense and answers that are the same, neither discerning from the other. Circling one another in an endless dance of words.

Where am I? Is there a where or am I untraceable? Why am I here? It does not matter. Will I stay here? Time will tell, but is it for me to decide? What has happened? Nothing and everything. How many times has my world gone black? It has always been black. How long has it been in this realm? There is no time here and that question has always been irrelevant. Why do I have this empty feeling inside me? It is everywhere and has many reasons. But is there a solution? What has been lost? There was nothing to begin with, and yet everything was lost. Something is gone. Something was lost. What was lost? What is missing? I want to find it and yet I don't. I need it and yet I don't want to find it. Which is it? I can't feel anything. I can't move anymore. But what is it that I really want? What is it that I crave for? What is anything? I don't know. Have I ever known? Is there any escape from this endless realm? I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I can't think anymore, and yet these thoughts won't stop. I don't know. I can never return to that place. What place? Where is it? I can't find a place to go. Where am I supposed to go? Why am I leaving? Is there any place where I belong? What am I? Where is this? I feel nothing. I hear nothing. What is "here"? What is "this"? What is "me"…?

What is anything anymore? Why is it nothing? Where has the world gone? Where have I gone?


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

**Naming something**

There is no path to walk. There is no place for me. I don't know where I am and I don't know where I'm going, but my feet won't stop.

The answers are always there, lurking in the back of my mind, but when I turn to find them they're gone, slipping through my fingers, evaporating in my grasp. I need to do something, but I don't know what it is. I can't shake the feeling that something is going to happen. Is it a grim forewarning or a sign of good fortune that haunts me? Is there really something there? Or is it only illusion?

Step, step, step. My footsteps echo in the dark corners of my mind. They are real. The sounds are true. The cold tile beneath my feet sends shivers up my legs. Even though I cannot see, I can feel the narrowness of the passage. I can feel the walls closing me in. There is no backwards, only forwards. And I cannot stop.

I am alone. There is no one else with me. I cannot here the echo of hurried footsteps, nor the whisper of stealthy toes. I feel so tired, but my feet won't stop. I am so hungry, but I will not stop. My bones and muscles ache with past movements, but I will never stop. I cannot stop. There is nothing else for me, so unconsciously I move forward. I cannot let my past catch up to me. I cannot let those painful feelings take hold. There is something I must do, and I won't let anything stop me. No matter how hidden my goal may be. I cannot let this end.

I am vaguely aware of someone else's footsteps matching mine. I can just barely hear their voice beside me. It sounds familiar and warm, but I cannot think of who it is. I can't think of anything except placing one foot in front of the other. They take my hand and try to pull me back gently, but I do not stop. They try harder, but I keep moving. I won't let anything stop me.

They stop trying to pull me away, but their footsteps still echo with mine. He whispers in my ear, and gives me the answers to many questions with several words. The questions and answers that haunted me so much, the endless realm that was always there, the eerie silence that was in the corners of my mind, disappeared.

"Come with me. I will lead you. I can help you…Noah."

The feeling of darkness and loss were replaced with a great relief and warmth. I could feel hot tears roll down my cheeks and my lips turn into an exhausted smile. I didn't know if the feeling of familiarity was real or if I would be happy at the end of this journey, but I did not care. I had a place to go to. I had someone to follow. I was not alone anymore.

In the back of my mind, hidden behind my relief, a small alarm was going off. It was telling me that this may be a mistake. That something terrible would happen because of this. But I quickly buried it. The feeling of his warm hand pulling me away, of his words repeating in my mind it all felt so incredible, so indescribable. I could feel his confidence, his warmth, leaking into me and filling in the empty spaces, bringing salvation.

I could hardly find the strength to move, but somehow I managed to whisper what I wanted to shout.

"Thank you…Kyte"

I always want to be with you. I want this moment to last forever. Little by little, I want to change for you. I want to find my purpose. I have lost my path, but I will keep moving. Always moving… Step, step…


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 10

**Naming the undiscovered**

"Class, this is Noah Nightroad. She'll be staying with us from now on."

Life can seem like such a dream. Dreams can seem like life, too. Like waking up from a dream only to find you're still in it. Is reality a dream? Are dreams hints of reality? We may ask each other these questions many times, but we never stop in spite of it. It's been a long time since I've asked myself questions like that.

"It's nice to meet you. I hope we can all get along." I smile. Jennie says I should always say that when I meet someone new. Kyte says I should just say whatever I want.

Jen is Kyte's roommate. Her full name is Jennifer Rose Forest. She was the first person Kyte introduced me to at the academy. She's also the one who's always buying me clothes and giving me makeovers. I don't know why. Maybe she's just like that. I don't really mind it, but Kyte says she should stop messing around and study more. Jen says Kyte isn't one to talk since he's always off buying books. It makes me worry that they'll both start failing.

"You can sit over there, sweetie, in between Miss Crossroad and Mr. Tadayoshi."

Right now I'm the new student at King's Academy. It's an international high school for transfer students and geniuses. Despite its regal name, it doesn't cost too much to get in. The hardest part is the entrance exam. Kyte pulled some strings and convinced his father to pay for my tuition and exam fees. Turns out I'm smarter than I thought I was. I scored somewhere in the high genius range and now the school is letting me stay with only half of the usual tuition. I guess that's what happens when you lock yourself in the library all the time.

Before I was allowed to stay in the school, Kyte and Jen had to hide me from the school board. When they were gone, I stayed in Kyte's library. At First, I had no idea what I was supposed to do so, I did nothing. Eventually I started to read the books. It was like I had just entered another realm. But enough of this back to the present.

Classes went by fast. A blur of names, faces, and colors. Lunch came quickly. It was so fast, I wondered if there was something wrong with the bell system as I got my lunch and searched for a place to sit. Something moved in the corner of my vision. Someone was waving at me to sit with them. She looked familiar. I raked my brain for her face. Crossroad. That's right the teacher had called her Miss Cross, but she never told me her real name during the class. I walked hesitantly toward her table which had a few other kids who had already noticed and were staring at me expectantly. I sat down next to the Crossroad girl and looked away from the others burning stares. I recognized a few faces out of the corner of my eye. There was the Tadayoshi kid, Rayne Shadow (who had introduced herself), and Josiah Bishop (teacher told me that time).

"Hi, I'm May Crossroad. I'm in your English class. Remember?" May smiled tenderly, her black hair shimmering in the cafeteria light. "I'd prefer just Cross, though. You've met Konno, right? Otherwise known as Mr. Tadayoshi."

Konno nodded and said a quick "Hey" before turning back to his plate of spaghetti.

"You've met Rayne and Jessie, right?"

"Who?" I said puzzled.

"Josiah."

"The Great Silent One," Konno said to his spaghetti. Rayne kicked him under the table and he grunted.

"I'm Aoibheana Kavanagh XIII," a skinny Irish girl with beautiful flowing blonde hair said and bowed her head slightly, "please call me Aya."

"I am Syaoran. It's nice to meet you." The boy with light brown hair smiled and bowed a slightly deeper bow than Aya's.

"Kuroyuki." A girl with short, chunky blue-black hair said through a mouthful of bread.

"I know the teacher introduced you, but could you please tell us again." Aya looked at me patiently.

"My name…" I said softly, "is Noah…"

I had never really gotten used to my name. Whenever I said it, it always sounded so foreign. As if it was someone else's. As if it wasn't mine to give. Maybe I was never meant to be given a name. But I had one. And that's what counts. I'm Noah now. The person I was six months ago is someone else. I don't have to go back. I'll never have to think of it again. But, as I would soon find out, I was wrong.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter ?

**Naming the Beginning of Nonexistence**

The world is white. There is no snow, but it is white. The white horizon blends with the white sky and the white earth. The beginning blends with the end. I can't tell if this is never-ending or ending within a few inches of my vision. This world is not here. So, that means it's not a world? It's not real? I guess… that means I'm not real either. Not here. Where am I?

Skin. A hand. Is this my hand? I think so. My hand, my arm, my body. My thoughts… Were they ever really mine? Was I really there? Was I ever needed? Did I become "someone"?

I wonder why I wished for something like that. Why did I ever try so hard? Why…am I "me"? What am "I"?

I'm only aware of being "me".

So…


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

**Naming the borders**

The weeks settled into a steady rhythm of flowing seconds and hours. School, study with my new friends, chores with Jen, and helping Kyte in the library.

There were never really any problems or significant changes. There was never any difference between today and tomorrow.

"Noah, will you be my partner in Science class?"

"Sure, Rayne."

"Cross-san, can you help me in history?"

"All right, Syaoran. I'll bring Konno and Aya, too. What about you Noah? Would you like to come?"

"Yes."

The steady beats of mornings and afternoon never seemed to be interrupted. For some reason, none of the other kids ever came near us. There was always a fine line between "us" and "them". Although, we were never the ones enforcing it. It was strange, but I never really thought about it before.

Between the steady beat of tomorrow and today, there was the one moment of another time. The dreams and hints of memories behind the borders of my mind never surfaced until this moment.

I was walking down the hall during free period. I was alone. I had been looking for Cross. She had promised to come to the library with me and Kuroyuki so, Yuki had sent me to find her because she was late and Yuki was getting impatient again. I was about to turn the corner into the White Hall, the hall where upperclassmen and members of the student council usually were, until I heard voices and stopped. In the back of my mind, a memory of Jen telling me that eavesdropping was wrong and never to do it chimed, but I ignored it because I recognized the voices. It was Cross and Kyte.

I had never seen them talking before. I didn't even know they had ever met so, this struck me as strange. Cross had him against the wall and if I hadn't known them I would've said they were fighting.

Cross spoke. "What do you think you're doing?" She sounded irritated and I was afraid she was arguing with Kyte.

"Going to the council room to pick up some papers." He smiled but it seemed dry and mocking.

"You know what I mean. Why are you taking care of Noah? I thought you were one of them so, why are you helping us?"

"I was never one of them or us. I was helping Noah and that's that." His smile was still frozen on his lips.

"Don't be coy with me! You knew she'd be in at least one class with one of us. You knew we would have taken her in."

"Now why would I know that, little Miss May?"

Anger flashed in Cross's eyes, "You know no one has called me that since that time. "

"So, you'd prefer to be called something that means a gravestone." Kyte's smile seemed smaller, but less mocking and his eyes seemed to show a flicker of near anger. "No thanks, dear, but I'd rather call you by a true name. You deserve to have it."

"Shut up!" Cross yelled. "Quit making this painful for me. Please, just stop it. " She seemed almost desperate now. Her eyes had softened and half of her really did seem in pain.

"Hmm… All right then. But what does it really matter. Noah doesn't know, does she?" He didn't smile when he said it, "As long as they don't interfere anymore everything will be fine. You can all be normal and Noah will never have to find out. You don't have to keep pushing yourself away from everyone."

"This isn't about me. I know that we can all have fun now, but what happens when they get here. You know they'll never leave us alone. And after stealing her, I imagine they'll take revenge on you, too."

"I suppose you're right. But let's not worry now. I'd hate to think that after all I'd gone through to help that you'd spend your break trying to think of a plan to fight them."

"I could never sleep with_ him_ still alive."

"I didn't know you could sleep at all. I guess those sci-fi guys can really work wonders these days." He smiled and started to leave.

"You know this isn't over, Kyte."

"I know." He started walking down the hall.

"And just so you know, you made me late to a meeting with Kuroyuki and Noah!"

"I'll make it up to you, someday." He chuckled to himself. Then said, "Good night, May."

Cross glared at his back for a few seconds, but said, "I hope you wake up to a better twilight, Mister. Night." She turned to leave, too.

And started walking towards me.

I ran backwards, trying to stay quiet. I turned around the corner and opened the door to a storage closet. With questions swirling in my brain, I jumped in and shut the door. My foot was in the mop bucket and the mop was on my hair. The closet smelled of cleaning supplies and old lunch food, but I stifled a cough as Cross walked past.

I could almost see the words and questions in front of me as my vision swam and my head became dizzy. As soon as I was sure Cross was gone, I jumped out of the closet and fell to the marble floor. I lay there on the cold stone as I thought over what I had heard and questioned everything, but for some reason the clearest thing wasn't even related.

I think it was a dream, but I felt awake. It was white everywhere and I felt like I was floating. I was there as much as I was in that school hallway. I could see my hand, my uniform, my feet. I could see the white paper world. And then I saw it. It looked like a normal person, but it just didn't feel the same way a normal person would.

Its face was hidden behind its black hair. It was wearing a simple black dress and was barefoot. It could have been a normal girl. After all, there seemed to be nothing wrong with it, but…

I opened my mouth to ask what it was, but instead my mouth spoke something completely different.

She looked up and stared at me with lifeless eyes. They seemed to whisper "I know." But her lips didn't move.

I woke up looking at the ceiling with a dull throbbing in the back of my head. The words echoed through the halls.

""_You" aren't "me." _"


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter ?

**Naming the meaning**

There is a somewhere else. I don't remember any somewhere else, but a flickering thought seems to state this fact.

A somewhere else where the world is not alone but is painted a never-ending black with few flecks of white.

I am never there, but someone thinks I am.

Someone? Another being exists?

Someone who is important.

Someone who knows what "I" am.

Exists?

I know.

There is existence somewhere.

I'm glad.

Because

They aren't like "me."

Someone like "me"

Isn't here.

Doesn't deserve existence.

Doesn't know who "I" am.

"I"

am just

an

insignificant being.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

**Naming a fate**

Nights are never pleasant. There's always something wrong. Small things. The air tells me I should be walking in the rain instead of sleeping. The bed pushes me out. Small noises like a car passing by or a spider in the corner roar inside my ears. My thoughts don't stop shouting at me. I've never had a good sleep. There's just something in that enclosed darkness that says this black package isn't for me. But I still find myself every now and then wrapped in it.

This night was different. It was perfect. There was an absolute and resolved silence. The stars shone clear and bright through the fog of people and darkness. Even the darkness seemed to glow softly with the luminescent moon. This was a night when you could sleep with no hurry or forced thoughts and the day disappeared, leaving behind no memories. You could sleep through this perfect night and wake with no regrets for the dawn. It was perfect.

If only it wasn't this night. If only it wasn't any night. But fate is a funny thing. It seems to hand you a simple gift during your worst days. Smiling, we tear it open, only to find that it's full of red snakes. Fate can be so cruel.

You can ask anyone who was there that night. Anyone who survived, and watched the grass become stained and the earth tainted. You could ask them what color the sky was before dusk and they would answer red. Not blue or pink or even a soft orange that colored the clouds. Red. The same way the stars were white like bone, the sky was Red like blood.

It started as soon as we all left the library. It was late, and everyone was there. Just like they wanted. Konno Tadayoshi, May Crossroad, Rayne Shadow, Syaoran, Kuroyuki Makoto, Josiah Bishop, Aoibheana Kavanagh XIII, and Noah Nightroad. They couldn't have planned it more perfectly. They probably even had a list of our names on the clipboard. And the others? They were just obstacles to be removed. Their orders were clear: Bring the special ones back, and kill anyone in the way.

We were talking about simple things: tomorrow's lunch, future homework, what was on TV tonight. I didn't really notice or hear anything, I was still confused over what had happened between Cross and Kyte. And me and It, the girl in my dream. By the time I really noticed, it was too late.

Cross saw the van first. Then all the others went on alert. I finally noticed and was about to ask what was wrong, when the van suddenly screeched to a halt in the parking lot, and ten men in black jumped out with machine guns. They shot everything. Kids who were swinging in the nearby park, couples holding books, and even a stray cat balancing on the fence. I felt a pinprick on my arm and looked down. There was blood dripping down from the stray bullet wound. When I looked back up, Cross and everyone else were gone.

I scanned the grounds. I saw them fighting off the gunmen. How had they gotten there so quickly? Aya always joked about how she was one of the slowest people on campus, and even though Konno was the fastest of the group there's no humanly possible way he could've sprinted twenty feet in a single second. I dodged around bullets and corpses trying to catch up with them.

When I got there, I saw one of the men kill someone. Not just someone. Cross. In my mind's eye, I could see Cross slumping over the thin sword her enemy had pierced through her heart, dead. But what my true eyes saw was different. It was so strange and unbelievable that mind couldn't catch up and the rage had already settled. As Cross turned the sword covered in her blood on her own enemy, I let the instinct take over.

I could feel my body jump with inhuman speed and tear with claws and fangs that would make even their swords envious. I could feel all my thoughts slip away, leaving behind only the raw instinct to fight.

I think I may have killed three or four, but what I hadn't been counting on- what all of us hadn't been counting on- was reinforcements. They were hiding everywhere and were ready to strike. As soon as we all stood up, thinking that the enemy was dead, that there was nothing to worry about, they made their move. I could feel the arrows strike my back the same way I felt the bullet. I willed my body to turn and pursue the archers, but nothing happened. I never thought you could take down a monster with a simple tranquilizer.

But Fate is like that.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter ?

**Naming the creature behind the glass**

"I" don't belong. There is no place for "me". Even this fragile paper world rejects me. Even though there is no one else here. No one here to give this world purpose.

In the beginning, I thought there was a place for me. I thought I had a home. Even though it was a cage filled with the darkest earth, it was still a place where I belonged. A place that accepted "me". Acknowledged "me." A home…

I was wrong.

There is no place for "me."

I don't belong anywhere.

Not even in the black earth.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

**Naming the one who survived darkness**

In the end, it is not so much the stiff white bones we are afraid of nor the blood that plasters the ground, like red clouds against the sky, but the skin. The warm flesh we would have held hands with. The skin that, not too long ago, had been moving. The thin flesh that pulled back in a smile as you spoke. The cold skin that reeks of death.

My mind said it was never my fault, but I know that if we hadn't been there those people would still be smiling. My fault, my fault, all my fault… The other thought that whispered through my mind spoke: he was right. They were all right. I am a monster.

My mind was full of tainted, accusing darkness. I wasn't awake, but I wasn't asleep. If I was asleep I would see all those bodies lying all over the ground, and I would see that dream again. Half of that dream had come true. Now the question was, what about the rest of it?

I opened my eyes, peeking out at the surroundings. My first thought was that it was jail. The black bars criss-crossed against the gray coloring of the wall opposite the door. The floor was grimy and splashed with black splotches of dirt. The cell smelled of a horrid mixture of sweat and an unknown stench. Even jail wasn't this bad. It wasn't like my window. There was no sun or moonlight. There was no outside world.

At first, I thought I was alone, but then I saw the shadowy shapes of all my friends. Their arms were bruised and scratched. Kuroyuki had a long, red scratch on her cheek, and Josiah had streams of dried blood on his arm. The back of Konno's gray tee shirt was torn and a red mark that ran from his left shoulder to his right side was showing. Cross's shirt was dyed red and there was slit in it where you could see a deep gash over her heart. Rayne's left eye was a deep purple and swelled shut. Syaoran had several long scratches running across his limbs. And, despite all their wounds, they were all awake and wore defiant, brave faces. But I could sense the panic starting to poison their minds.

"Hello, children."

I twisted my head around so fast that I winced from the pain of the cricking vertebrae. In front of us was a dark man. Even his shadow cast long cruel tendrils that bit at our feet. He was smiling, but I could see the cold contempt in his eyes as he ran them over his line of prisoners.

"Welcome back," His white lips stretched as he spoke the words. "I hope you enjoyed your vacation, but now it is time to get back to work. We're very happy to have you here. After all, what's an ancient castle without a few monsters lurking around?"

What? Fear and confusion flooded my mind. Who was this man? What was he talking about? And where were we? I looked out of the corner of my eye at my friends. Their eyes were still the same defiant ones with the panic hidden behind them, but none of them were confused. They all understood what was happening, and what was going to happen.

"I can see that you are all working just fine. Your abilities have reached far beyond our expectation for experiments like you," He peered down at us, still smiling. "But not far enough."

"The majority of you think you know what will happen, but you are very wrong." He started to turn, but then paused and stared at us.

"I see that once again, an especially vengeful glare has reached me yet again from the same person," His cold eyes rested on Cross. "Hello again, little girl. Are you still mad after all these years? It was so long ago, and they were such useless, useless humans. But I suppose even vermin like them is grieved for." He started to walk away, but his eyes stayed locked on Cross until they disappeared behind the stone walls. His voice echoed down the dark hallways, making his words more eerie than before, "Good night, children."

We all looked at Cross, expecting her to say something. Something like, "He's just randomly babbling. It's nothing. Don't worry about him or anyone else. We'll bust out of here in no time." She'd say it all with a knowing gaze and defiant smile. But…

"Damn it!" She slammed her fist against the wall.

Cross was always the strongest. Always the leader. Even if she was quiet, you could tell. Even if it was someone else who decided where to go or what to do on breaks, you could look at Cross and you could tell that she was the one that tied everyone together. You could tell that, in a dangerous situation, she was the one who got us out. You could tell that she had a strange way of thinking, a way that caught everything and calculated what to do. She was always so strong.

"Damnit…" This was the first time I had ever seen her show any weakness. "Why…" I guess, I never realized…"Why am I so worthless…?" How much she locked away.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter ?

**Naming the other side**

Inside, there is only me. Only words forming this being, and thoughts rushing by with memories trudging down this long, hard road. "I" am in the fog on the edges.

I am so close…but I cannot catch the road. It does not matter how slowly the memories move, I cannot catch them.

There have been times when my hands skimmed the lines of memories. In the same way you try to grasp a fish. Your hands feel the shining scales for an instant, only to grasp the air.

I touch the memories and, for the briefest instant I can see the grass and feel the warmth of a smile, and then the fog closes in. The white world is absolute. The "me" is in control. "I" am unnecessary.

And,

Slowly,

I start to forget.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

**Naming a story**

Seconds passed in silence, and then minutes. There was no clock to mark the passing time, but even if there was it would not have shortened the feeling of the long silence. No one moved or spoke.

Finally, Aya spoke. "Excuse me, Cross, but I believe we need to explain ourselves and our captor."

"I know. Thanks, Aoi. I…I'm sorry about that."

"It's no problem," Kuroyuki said.

"I was hoping this wouldn't happen. Kyte said not to tell you unless absolutely necessary," Cross faced me, "but you need to know."

"What? What's going on? Where are we? And why are we here? Cross, what's going to happen?" All the questions poured out of my mouth until I thought to stop and actually listen to what she had to say.

"Noah, I… we…" Cross struggled to put words together that explained everything.

"It's...okay. Cross…" Josiah said in a near whisper.

"Go ahead and tell her." Rayne said.

"Noah." Cross breathed in deeply and then spoke.

"We're monsters."

I could feel my eyes widen. I knew I had to be something like a monster, but I hadn't really thought about them that way. And the fact that they'd admit it like that was so unbelievable. What exactly did they mean anyway?

"Noah," Rayne faced me and spoke." Have you ever heard of vampires?"

"Vampires? Yeah, I've heard stories, but they're just stories, aren't they?"

"No, they're real. That guy who spoke to us before, he's a vampire. A real psycho, too." Konno said from the corner of the cell. "You know all the stories. Vamps drink blood and live in darkness. Fire is their enemy along with sunlight. That's the only truth to those stories. The whole garlic and religion thing is a sham. How'd you think we were able to eat that spaghetti on the first day? But that's not the point. It doesn't matter what vampires are since we aren't really vampires."

"What?" I breathed.

"Yes, you heard right, Noah." Syaoran spoke to me gently, " We are not truly vampires or human. We're half."

"The people here are like medieval scientists." Kuroyuki glared at the black bars of our cell. "They take humans and turn them halfway into vampires. They probably have tons of other sick experiments though."

"Why would they want to make a half-human half-vampire? Wouldn't that just make them more vulnerable?" I asked.

"It's true that humans are very fragile, but there are things they can do that vampires can't. They can walk into direct sunlight, sleep, and can survive fire to some degree. They don't drink blood, either" Cross spoke, "In a battle those are trivial things, but during everyday life and a vampire hunt they are essential to stay undetected. That's what they wanted, a body with all the strength and immortality of a vampire, and the ability to survive light and no need to drink blood like a human."

"Wait, you guys are still immortal even though you're half-human?"

"Yeah. Although we're easier to kill than normal vampires. But we're still strong enough to survive losing a few limbs and, of course, a stab in the heart. Of course that's why they made sure we all were exceptional candidates for special vampire abilities." Kuroyuki said still glaring at the bars, "We all have different abilities that help us survive."

"Wait. What kind of-" I didn't finish my sentence because at that exact moment a metal door creaked open at the end of the hall, and the dark man came back in with several others following behind him.

"I see you all are enjoying yourselves." He peered down at us through the bars. "Now, I hate to ask for help from any of you, but we need some information. We'd already know what we need, but someone burned our precious research files during your last escape."

We all glared at him, and this time I joined in. Even though I still couldn't believe what I had heard, I knew this guy was an absolutely horrible man.

"All we need to know is what your unique abilities are. Answer quickly, please." He smiled, cheerfully.

"Never." Cross spat.

"Oh, that's too bad." He pretended to be sad. "It looks like I'll have to take harsh measures."

"What are you gonna do? You know better than anyone torture would never work on us." Konno smirked.

"Oh, of course not. I know that _normal_ torture wouldn't work so, I'm going to try sadistic torture." He smiled again. This time more triumphantly. "A true warrior attacks neither body nor mind, but heart. And as it so happens I happened to come across one of your little friends trying to sneak in yet again."

Before any of us had time to ask questions or spit out a curse, the men behind the dark man pushed someone out from behind the wall.

"Kyte!"


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

**Naming the desperate masks**

Kyte's head sagged down, and for a minute I thought he was already dead, until he lifted it up slightly. He was covered in purple bruises, and his clothes were torn and dirty. He had clearly been beaten.

Rage burned inside me. "Why you…" I started to say.

"Now, now. He's not going to die." He drew a small pistol out of his jacket and pointed it at Kyte's battered head. "That is if you answer my question." He smiled and laughed a little. "Well, children? What's it going to be?"

Cross bit her lip, and then said, "Fine." She stood up and looked him straight in the eye and answered, "Its fire."

"Come again? Your going to have to be more detailed if you want to save your friend's life."

"My ability is fire," She said more loudly, "I can manipulate fire."

Kuroyuki stood up, "I can teleport anywhere as long as I know what it looks like and where I am."

"I can see the future." Josiah said reluctantly,

"I can read minds." Syaoran said

"I can fly." Rayne said.

"I can manipulate water." Aya said.

"I have x-ray vision." Konno said.

I stood up. "I can manipulate electricity." I said thinking fast. I didn't even know what a special ability really was until a few minutes ago so, of course I had to lie,or he'd shoot Kyte. Although the others' responses didn't feel right. I mean, Konno using x-ray vision, and Rayne flying? That didn't sound like them at all.

"Good, children, good." He turned to leave with Kyte and the other men. "I'll just keep this boy in case I need anything else from you. Good night."

As soon as we all heard the door's creak echo through the halls, we all breathed a sigh of relief and frustration. Konno peeked through the bars to see if anyone stayed behind to spy on them. Seeing no one, he then checked the walls and ceiling that he could see for bugs or cameras. There were none.

"Weird…" he whispered.

"Since when do you leave dangerous prisoners that have escaped before alone with not even one guard?" Kuroyuki looked around the cell suspiciously.

"Maybe they're just arrogant." Aya replied.

"Maybe…" Cross said.

"Anyway…" Rayne leaned back against the wall and looked over at Cross and Kuroyuki. "What the heck possessed the two of you to tell that guy the truth?" She asked loudly.

"He would've figured out that at least one of us could do something with fire. There wasn't any way to start the fire that burned up those documents about us at the time. It's too bad they got there in time to salvage what was left. I was hoping they'd forget about us."

"Yeah, we wish." Kuroyuki plopped down onto the hard floor. "I told him the truth because I couldn't come up with a really good lie at the time. But when you think about it, I did teleport that one time in front of the cell door. I can't believe that guard was so easy to take out, and he had a bunch of keys, too."  
"They were probably being ignorant. They probably thought we were too scared to try anything back then. Now they know not to put a guard here where we can reach. They've go to have something up their sleeves this time." Cross said while trying to figure out our enemy's plan.

"Cross, Noah still doesn't know about our true abilities. Should we tell her?"

"If we tell her we could also be revealing ourselves to the enemy if they can hear us, but since we've already stated that we were lying. I guess its okay. We'd have to make up more lies for that guy, and Kyte would be killed if he figured out we lied to him again. Even if there is a trap, I'll make sure we get out of here soon."

"All right, Noah. Like I said before, my ability is fire. But it's not just manipulating fire, I can create it." As if in demonstration, Cross made a small sphere of fire bloom in the air above her hand. It flickered and danced around her, lighting up the whole cell with a warm and joyous light. It made me feel like dancing with the flames, even Cross seemed to enjoy her gift. Her eyes shined with a flickering happiness like the flames, but they also seemed to shine with sadness. The flame disappeared and her face went back to normal.

"I really can teleport. Not very far. I can't jump halfway round the world or to the next country, but if I know what a town looks like I can go there. It helps a lot to know where I am, though."

"I have a question." I said, "If you can control fire and teleport why not melt the bars or teleport outside to unlock the door?"

"That's what I thought, but they know we can get out of this cell easy so, they probably have a trap waiting. Cross is making more counter strategies and had a great one until we figured out Kyte was here. And since this place is a castle she's trying to think of what kind of architecture it is, and all that smart stuff. I opted to just dive out a window. She doesn't want to risk us getting injured though since there'll probably be tons of guards to fight. And we have to find Kyte now, too. I can't believe he tried to get in here. This is such a pain." Kuroyuki lay down on her side and started picking at the dirt in between the stones.

"It can't be helped. He also has some valuable information about this place. It could help us escape quicker." Konno said, his arms crossed against his chest and his eyes serious.

"Anyway," Rayne said, "My ability isn't really flight. It's illusion. I can hypnotize people and send them into a sort of nightmare world if I want to. Or just create simple illusions that will confuse them and leave an opening. It can be pretty tiring."

"I can sense someone's presence." Konno spoke. "It's not all that different from ninja's or samurai's ability, except I can see farther and it's more advanced. I can also tell if they're strong, weak, injured, normal, or if they're a danger to us."

"My ability is anesthesia." Aya said softly. "You may not think it dangerous, but if an enemy can't feel the blow before it really sinks in they can't react as quickly. Some of the weaker ones may just fall down when they start losing the feeling in their limbs. It also helps when you're trying to give someone medical treatment for a bad wound."

"I'm a shape-shifter, Noah. I can change into an animal, and if I really try hard, I can change my appearance to match someone else's." Syaoran smiled at me softly.

"My ability is…phantom." Josiah said quietly in a near whisper. "I can reach through people and damage their internal organs or, if I so choose tear it out."

I winced at the thought of Josiah tearing out someone's heart or lung. It sent a chill running down my spine. But-if Josiah was merciful- it would probably end quickly for them. And, now that I thought about it, Rayne's illusions could probably send someone into a state of permanent terror or something even worse than death. The nightmares probably lasted a long time and were filled with all kinds of horrors. Rayne had always been really creative.

And what about the others? They could probably come up with tons of ways to use their abilities against enemies. I could see Cross already burning someone alive.

"Understand now? We should probably rest. You can ask any questions you have later." Aya said quietly.

Everyone else nodded and laid down on the cold floor.

I couldn't imagine getting sleep now of all times, but within a few minutes my mind rested into an exhausted slumber.

But parts of my brain were still buzzing with questions. Was this truly real? I still wanted to believe that I would wake up any second and still find myself in my dorm room, but I knew this was real. They were telling the truth. There were tons of other questions flying around inside my head. Was Kyte okay? What were these guys planning? How were we going to escape?

And then: What about me? Did I really have a special ability like them? And if so would I find out how to use it in time to help my friends? Or what if I was just a mistake? What if I was just dead weight? I had only ever used the kind of strength and speed the rest of them had once, and that was because I was angry with the people who I thought had killed Cross. Could I really help them? Did I ever have that kind of power? Was I ever human?


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter ?

**Naming the breaking glass beneath my feet**

The perfect earth, the perfect sky, the perfect white of a memory less world.

All at once, they are broken.

I cannot see the cracks appear like those in a broken mirror, it's spidery silver legs stretching across the surface, looking for more things to shatter.

There is no sound of cracking.

No proof of this world's destruction.

No proof of a world.

I should've known of this end. This unyielding destiny.

I should have known.

As this world crumbles beneath my feet, the unheard sounds and ruptures of perfect white remain unseen. It struggles to keep such a perfect mask even during its final moments.

Such a perfect mask, such a perfect world. And yet its short-lived existence is only known to something like me. Something that does not exist, even within the limits of its own mind.

How sad.

This world that struggles so hard to please the only creature in its presence, even though that creature is so insignificant and could never be accepted by even a world that welcomed it. It even gave up itself. The perfect whiteness that could have been full of personality and color, given up to be a memory less perfection with no proof that it existed.

And I, who am not allowed the peace of the sounds and appearance of destruction so I can say that I finally and truly understood how much pain this world carried.

As the pieces of its façade begin to break and fade, I begin to fade away, too.

Slowly, as like this world, I silently fall to pieces. Breaking and falling. I wonder, is this the only way that I could have ended my existence? Will I finally fade to a pure nothingness? Will I finally break so that not even a world like this can suffer from something like me?

And then I think, if only this had happened sooner so this world would not have to disappear with me. If only…

How pitiful.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

**Naming the time without a sun**

There were many days and few. And then there was no time at all. Just the cranking of the gears and wheels, the numbing thud of the maiden of Nuremburg's door, the metal bending of the heretic's fork, the sound of running feet going nowhere, and the dripping pipe water. Oh, yes, they were the cruelest of men and the cruelest of days. We were not alone in our days. The screams of impaled children would often ring through halls, and the sighs of the weary and hypnotized.

"We need to test your limits," he said, but I could tell he was enjoying every minute of it.

To further test the "endurance of our psyche" we were blindfolded. Some days our ears were stuffed. They were taking precautions against us. I knew they had done something different for the dangerous ones that could plot and follow through with an escape, but I wasn't sure what. After all, I couldn't see.

There was pain. Of course, there was pain. But then it was just numb. I wasn't the one inside my body anymore, just the one controlling it.

Sometimes, they would take one of us and put them in a different room for some secret purpose. That secret purpose was secret, even to those who had been there. And this secret created the rift between all of us. We weren't together anymore. I wonder when "us" became "them" and vice versa. We began to feel the same to them. The other voices in the other rooms. The haunting moans and breaking screams. I know we did the same to them. We were all the same, sharing similar pain, similar thoughts, similar pasts. Ah, the phenomenon of connection.

We heard more of those other voices than of our own or each other. But I could still feel that flame in her. I could feel Cross's plans and schemes bubbling up from the limestone floor like lava from a long-dormant volcano. She knew that we had to move quickly, had to move soon. In her strange mind, something was moving, planning, learning. And twisting. Something inside her was struggling and screaming with remembrance and revelation. None of us went unmarked from our sessions with the Doctor, for that is what we came to call him, either physically or mentally. But none of us had changed too much from before. Rain was still a free-thinker. Josiah was still the Silent One. Kuroyuki was still feral. Syaoran was still generous. And the same for all others. At least, on the outside. But Cross was different. She was still the leader and the instigator, but she was different nonetheless. She was twisting somewhere inside. Something, like her preparations, was bubbling up inside her, an ancient fire thirsting for destruction, vengeance, and the fulfillment of all the crouching and curled up thoughts in those dark corners of hers. Those dark dreams sitting and wavering like dying leaves in autumn, the perfect kindling.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter ?

**Naming the forever falling**

Falling, Falling.

The broken white fades into nothing.

There is only nothing.

How strange…

Why is it

That I have not ended yet?

I can feel

Myself.

"I"

am always

fallen.

I can feel

Eternity.

But

Not an end.

Why

Why won't it stop beating?


End file.
